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Some days

  • Jan. 23rd, 2010 at 7:02 PM

Some days you look at your life and wonder what path you took to lead you to where you are now. I have been doing that for many months right now but I forgot one key factor in the question, not all the paths your life takes are of your own choice. As long as there are others in your life there choices can and most likely will alter how your life goes. I never made the choice to back out of the best thing ever to happen to me, what I can chose to do now is every thing I can do in order not to let that thing slip any further away from me. If that means sucking it up and doing a ton of shit I really don't want to do then so be it because in the end I would rather pay 1000 crappy days to have one perfect day with my best of best friends then have a life time of good days and never have her there again. I still have the hopes and wishes for us that I always have but I don't focus on them any more like I was for a long time. Perhaps down the road things will fall back into place and maybe again they might not but if I only look for that I will miss all the greatness that is happening now and I can't let that happen any more. What kind of friend would I be if I did that.
  • Mood: contemplative

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Friendships as strong as stone...

  • Nov. 25th, 2009 at 11:02 PM

In my life when I make a connection with someone I do it full hearted. The bonds I make or try to make are rock hard and I hope are there to last the ages. Untill just a month or so ago I thought I was doing a very good job of this, I was proven wrong when I realized that my friendships are like stone, but not all stone is as strong as others. When I look at my bond with Charli*ann and Colleen there is only one stone that can describe what we have and that would be Dimand. For a short while the Dimand I had with C*A may have gotten a bit cloudy but it never lost its strenght. Yet some of my friendships are much weaker then I thought they were. The bond Marc and I have now seems to be made of nothing but sandstone and while it holds it shape when nothing is acting upon it the second anything puts any sort of force to it cracks form and it begins to break apart. So much has been damaged already I am worried that anything more I do to try to fix it will cause the rest to be destroyed. I feel like I just woke up in the middle of no where and as I look about I can see many paths that lead off as far as the eye can see but I have no clue what one to take to get me back to where I want to be. So I am going to do something I at one time would never think to do because it lacks the thought and planning I use way to much. I am going to just close my eyes and listen to the fates letting them lead me to where I need to go. I hope this takes me back to the great mountains of strong stone so that I can once again mine the friendships I long for and perhaps get what I need to in order to repair the damaged ones.
  • Mood: determined

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Hard day

  • Oct. 31st, 2009 at 10:26 PM

Today was a bit harder then I thought it would be but not a bad as it could have been that is for sure. One step at a time and take it day by day that is my motto. The real hard part is being the bigger person in every interaction I seem to have with other people. In the end there is only so much I can give up before I have nothing left to keep for myself, I thank her for being the one person who sees that and gives me something back, her friendship and trust.
  • Mood: melancholy

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Don't know what to do.

  • Oct. 14th, 2009 at 10:10 PM

What if the best thing for me to do for everyone is to just go away. Do I have the strength to do that. Do I have what it takes to say good bye to he one person in my life that I would do anything for, give anything to help. I already feel like I have lost so much and I have. I have been able to find small bits of joy lately when I was feeling like we were connecting as friends again but I have started to feel her pull away again. I know why and I fight doing the things that are causing her to do that but its hard to do it right now. I want to be me again I want to just be able to hang with my friends or those that are close to being my friends. But most of all I want to have that bond with my bobcat that I have smashed apart. Deep breaths, one day at a time is all I can do right now. Hopefully I can start the healing this saturday, I think it may be my last chance.

Been to long

  • Oct. 1st, 2009 at 11:20 PM

I think I have taken enough time away from here, I don't know why I find the need to stay away its not like anyone but a few people even know this page is here. Each day is a new step toward where I need to be. I am going to make this month my month. If I can make this month good for me there nothing can keep me down any more. 30 days left on the count down for D-day X2.
  • Mood: happy

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Only two choices to make and if I pick either one I lose

  • Aug. 26th, 2009 at 8:29 PM

I don't know what to do any more. Well that is not true I know exactly what to do its just doing it and staying with that choice that is going to be hard because there are so many other things I can try to do that would lead me to a place I would rather be. It has taken me this long to get back to a place in my life that I can find some real joy and now the equation has changed and I have to figure out the variables once more. *deep breaths* There is only one thing for me to do right now and I will do it because it is what needs to be done for her. I just hope when everything is over she finds the things she needs to and that I am some how part of that answer even if it is just as a secondary character.
  • Mood: worried

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Maybe next year

  • Jul. 16th, 2009 at 9:23 PM

Perhaps next years birtday I will get to have my family get together not suck and have the people I want there. Everyone tells you its your day and yet no one seems to listen to what I really want to do. If everything goes as I want I will be on my own and maybe then I will just stay home and watch a good movie and have things exactly as I want.
  • Mood: disappointed

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Choices

  • Jul. 14th, 2009 at 9:34 PM

Its time for me to make some hard choices and I am not feeling like doing any of them either choice will suck but I have to do something. Things would be just easier if I wasn't so damn weak when it came to other people.
  • Mood: uncomfortable

Almost there

  • Jul. 11th, 2009 at 10:13 PM

There is now just 6 days and then I will be 30. Man just saying that makes me feel older. This will start a new chapter in my life, I am going to walk the path of me. I am going to do everything  I can to make the money to get out there on my own and start getting my life in the place I have up till now only dreamed of having it.I have spent to many years of my life living in the past and in the what could be. No more, I will be the person I want to be.
  • Mood: calm

Messed up

  • Jul. 9th, 2009 at 9:16 PM

I have found many things to read on the internet that has made me just smile and the sad fact is that it mostly comes from other people being unhappy, I know I really shouldn't take joy from this but there is just something about reading other peoples issues. Maybe when my family goes on vacation I take some time away from people and the net and everything and just live with me for a while and work on my crap. On the up side I got to spend some quality time with Colleen yesterday and she helped me get some calm in my chaotic life, I just have to keep that going and find a way to smile without the help of others problems. I just like knowing that living the dream isn't so dreamy all the time.
  • Mood: happy

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Wish I was stronger

  • Jul. 7th, 2009 at 11:41 PM

I am working as hard as I can. Life has tested me a lot, not as much as others I know this but enough for me in my almost 30 years. It would have been nice if one of the things I though of when I was younger looking ahead at my life was made a reality but I just couldn't do it. So now its time to look ahead at the next 30... Nope lets look ahead to next year. By then I hope to have a higher rank spot at work then I have right now and making enough for me to get out there on my own. I hope to have the great friends I have right now in my life still around and maybe some more new faces. I would like to find that happy place again where I smile for no reason, I don't need anyone to be there for that just enough joy in my life to do it on my own. If I can work hard and make at least one of these then I will have already done better then I am now and I can live with that.
  • Mood: scared

Zzzz

  • Jul. 5th, 2009 at 9:42 PM

So tired, but now that I have the AC set up in my room I should be able to catch up on some sleep. I hate the heat, and things are going to get cooler over the next couple of days so I am looking forward to that. Well off to do some net stuff while I am still awake enough to do so.
  • Mood: hot

I feel like a monster

  • Jul. 4th, 2009 at 10:09 PM

Our friend Jeff may be going though a break up here in the days to come, his girlfriend of 2 and a half years and the woman he lives with. The first thing that went though my mind when I heard this was, Damn I am lucky C*A and I have a better relationship then that. I felt like crap and had such a hard time talking with him untill he told us that just hanging with the guys laughing at out crappy jokes made him forget that things were so bad at the moment and felt like life was normal again. I want to be there for him but how can I, my relationship ended and what happend I still see her all the time still have a ton of fun and have our little things that are just ours we still do. What I have is so far from nomral that it makes me feel bad when faced with situations like that. I feel like a dick because I bitch and moan about having something that most people would kill for and it isn't enough for me.
  • Mood: confused

Crud on a stick

  • Jul. 2nd, 2009 at 10:21 PM

today was my longest day at work, then I had to go out to eat with my grandfather and his new wife. I really don't like that woman and if I could I would seal her in a box and send her back to her nasty state via the slowest possible way. the only thing that I am looking forward to is that I don't have to wake up for work tomorrow, Yay for sleep and watching movies that I just haven't had time to watch. I know my life is far from hard but some times I just have to bitch about the small stuff so that I get it all out and then I don't have anything left for when the big stuff comes around.
  • Mood: hot

The count down begins

  • Jul. 1st, 2009 at 9:35 PM

Ahh July what a great month, so much happens, I have my birthday (30 this year). My family will be going on to the beach at the end of the month meaning I don't have to see, hear or deal with them for a whole week. Don't get me wrong I love them I just love them that much more when I am not bugged by them all day long every day. I just can't wait this month is going to be full of fun.
  • Mood: chipper

Like old time

  • Jun. 30th, 2009 at 9:28 PM

Today we the guys just had a hang out day and watched some anime, ate crappy food and talked about games. We haven't done that in like forever and it was nice. though I can't wait to get back to the game and see where thing go from where we just left them. Such a cliff hanger is almost painful to watch. On an up note Marc will be back with us on friday the 17th to do his game again, it has been much to long since we played that. I also have to find time to hang with Colleen it seems every day that looks good life says no and blocks me some how. Stupid life getting in the way of fun.

Spinning like a top

  • Jun. 29th, 2009 at 11:29 PM

Every day I am feeling a bit more like my old self, before you say good for you let me remind you of my old self he is the one that started this journal reaching out in hopes to one day find someone he could share his life with. I am not falling back into that, I will not become that guy again closed to the world and locked in darkness. The only problem I am having right now is the more I fight falling back into that the more confused my emotions become, the more my mind spins out of control. It is trying to find the logic the reason to everything in my life and right now my life is not something that is normal or anything that looks like what other people live. Hahaha I guess that is half the fun. I always thought that I wasn't really leaving life and now I can't help but do just that. It is going to be interesting to see where I end up.

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Empty Cave

  • Jun. 27th, 2009 at 11:52 PM

what am I going to do my bobcat is going to be out of the forest cave for a whole week. I am going to have to go to the next forest over and spend some time with my other wolfy friend so that I don't get too lonely while my friend is out in the big scary world. I will just have to make sure everything is just as she leaves it.

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Smile that way the don't see it coming

  • Jun. 26th, 2009 at 8:59 PM

Not much to say today, I work a shorter shift tomorrow and I am not going to game tonight so I will have a chance to catch up on some sleep. Ahh sleep the stuff of wonder and joy. Well I have some TV to catch up on and some games to play, catch you all later.

Come again...

  • Jun. 25th, 2009 at 11:34 PM

Today at work my boss talked to me about looking into getting more people to count money so that I can move on to bigger and better things. Wait, a boss that will listen to what I want and can see that I can do more then just the grunt work. I was in shock and had to keep from dancing around the room. Richard talk to Aaron for me so I hope that I get a good bit of thought into moving up in the company. Yesterday marked my 10th year at TRU and if that doesn't make me feel old turning 30 next month will. Life is feeling some what back to normal as of late so that is good and if things keep going my way I may get my life back on track with the plans I have had for a while. *fingers crossed* only time will tell
  • Mood: accomplished

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